I’ve seen a few lists like this in other publications, so I decided to make a version for St. Bonaventure University. Please take no offense, for it is all in good fun.
English: We’ve heard you bickering about the romantic poeticism of William Wordsworth vs. Alfred Tennyson. You write cryptic prose to see if anyone can figure out a deeper meaning, whether there is one or not. You’ve mastered Shakespeare, taken a few classes with Rick Simpson, analyzed sonnets – but what are you going to do after college?
Pre-med: You are the smartest people in school. You never leave the library, and if you have an ounce of a social life, we’re impressed. E gads, you could list all the amino acids in rapid fire. Even after the rest of us graduate, you have four years left. Keep going, dwellers of De La Roche Hall, you’ll be making twice our salaries in a few years.
Journalism: You have the second-biggest egos on campus. You like to quote your friends in stories and hope your professors don’t notice. And while the only news you have to break is about which website is currently down or the Bev Center’s collection of Four Loko, you act like it should be a national headline.
Education: You like to color with crayons, make flash cards and create mnemonic devices. You have the neatest handwriting anyone’s ever seen. But despite the signs that you may have the easiest major ever, you spend weekends making lesson plans, wake up at 5 a.m. to student teach and control grubby little kids all day. Kudos, ed majors.
Philosophy: While you enjoyed every bit of Schrödinger’s Cat in Intellectual Journey, the rest of us were yawning. You constantly question aspects of life that the public overlooks, and you’re dead certain on your stance to be indecisive. And you still have time to smoke a lot of weed.
Physical Education: You spend hours perusing Bonnies Bandwagon and watching your Fantasy Football stats. Your exams are based on your ability to do a split or run through an obstacle course. In class you learn to officiate handball, soccer and track. But don’t feel down on yourself, if we ever had to outrun a herd of wildebeests, you’d be the last ones remaining.
Business: You have the biggest egos on campus. Although you were the biggest math nerds in high school, you manage to be the hardest partiers in college. Strutting around Murphy in your ties and dry-cleaned slacks, you’ll soon grab your MBA and become successful alumni. An SBU building might be named for you someday – or at least an annex or a bathroom.
Physics: You’re Andrew Nicholson.